Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize