Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
