And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
