What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
