my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
