Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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