So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
