I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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