before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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