i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
