once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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