I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
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