I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
