I'm jealous of your bromance
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
