I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
