Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
