If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
