Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize