hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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