It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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