I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
