my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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