Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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