Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
