you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
