does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I need moral support for this bender
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
