there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
