Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
