No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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