if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
