Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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