thus making me awesome and them whores
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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