my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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