well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
