you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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