My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
