What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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