all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize