i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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