Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
