The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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