Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Randomize
