Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We smell like vodka and hangover
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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