please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
