wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
