Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
