Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
