the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my being single is dangerous.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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