If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
