I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
