my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
