The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Randomize