You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize