I cannot find my penis.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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