there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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