the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize