when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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