come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
