Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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