if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
