Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
