how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
